Episode 33

Cassi and Mandy are back from their forced holiday and promise not to do that shit again! This episode is jam packed with updates and extra goodies.  Join your favorite girls as they discuss some of the crazy things to be found on the internet, reveal some online dating fails, and list  their Top 5 Crazy Ass Amazon Reviews! Plus, a surprise at the end of the episode! :D I love surprises! Enjoy the show, my little kumquats! 

You can download the Milk and Cookies Bonus Episode for free below.  Starting in November only the 1st Milk and Cookies of the month will be free and the rest are exclusive to those who sign up for the subscription. Only $3/month, details will be posted soon!

Once any clips from the show post to our YouTube channel you should see them here. Just a head's up though, since we had some issues with the mics this episode it's been tough syncing audio and video. It may be next episode before we have the video back up and running properly.

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Sponsors

Fullwood's Pressure Cleaning Service

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Also make sure you use promo code “Fuck that goose!” for 10% off since Fullwood’s Pressure Cleaning and Mixed Feelings have a common enemy...Canadian Geese.  

You may also use an alternative promo code of “Mixed Feelings” if you want, but whatever.

Fullwood's Pressure Cleaning Service - Lakeland, Florida
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Amazon

If you plan to shop on Amazon anytime soon, we would really appreciate it if you went through the link below.  Still the same old Amazon and no extra cost to you at all. The only difference is that by going through our affiliate portal you can help the show get a little kickback from your purchase.

Mafia Beat Ins

Welcome to the family Matthew "the Monologue" Karloff!  If you’re a fan of the show and want your own cool gangster name and backstory then go here and fill out the form so you can be beaten into the Mixed Feelings Mafia!  Here are our newest Mafia Beat Ins...

New chapter! - Maryland Middle Men - the Mixed Feelings Mafia is getting bigger, and that means we need some more people on the inside so our operations can go uninterrupted. The Maryland Middle Men are constantly working to keep the Mafia’s activities on the federal hush hush….in fact, we may even know a guy who knows a guy that knows a thing or two about deleting 30,000 emails...

Matthew “the Monologue“ Karloff - Matthew is a valuable asset to the mafia, as he is an IT engineer working directly for the White House. By day he works to clean the books on the back end for us, keeping us off of el presidente’s radar. By night, he’s out there doing some more….extracurricular activities for the mafia. You always know when your time has run out and the Mixed Feelings Mafia has sent old Matthew “the Monologue” Karloff after you.  Most often it begins with a face full of chloroform.  Next thing you know you wake up, blindfolded and bound to a chair.  In a smooth and stately voice he narrates every detail of his gangster-as-fuck torture methods, usually while playing an appropriate musical score in the background, until he finds out what he wants to know.  So if you’re in a dark alley and hear a voice say, “...I followed closely behind, knife ready to stab between the poor sucker’s ribs at any moment….” then you may want to pick up the pace.  Matthew didn't include a twitter or instagram handle, but you can check out the links we’ll include in the show notes, like his LibriVox page where he has several books he’s narrated available for download!

Matthew “the Monologue“ Karloff - Matthew is a valuable asset to the mafia, as he is an IT engineer working directly for the White House. By day he works to clean the books on the back end for us, keeping us off of el presidente’s radar. By night, he’s out there doing some more….extracurricular activities for the mafia. You always know when your time has run out and the Mixed Feelings Mafia has sent old Matthew “the Monologue” Karloff after you.  Most often it begins with a face full of chloroform.  Next thing you know you wake up, blindfolded and bound to a chair.  In a smooth and stately voice he narrates every detail of his gangster-as-fuck torture methods, usually while playing an appropriate musical score in the background, until he finds out what he wants to know.  So if you’re in a dark alley and hear a voice say, “...I followed closely behind, knife ready to stab between the poor sucker’s ribs at any moment….” then you may want to pick up the pace.  Matthew didn't include a twitter or instagram handle, but you can check out the links we’ll include in the show notes, like his LibriVox page where he has several books he’s narrated available for download!

Links

Mandy's Song Pick: Madonna - Borderline

Top 5 - Crazy Ass Amazon Reviews

5. This review of the Hutzler 571 Banana Slicer is titled “No more winning for you, Mr. Banana!” By SW3K on March 3, 2011 -- For decades I have been trying to come up with an ideal way to slice a banana. "Use a knife!" they say. Well...my parole officer won't allow me to be around knives. "Shoot it with a gun!" Background check...HELLO! I had to resort to carefully attempt to slice those bananas with my bare hands. 99.9% of the time, I would get so frustrated that I just ended up squishing the fruit in my hands and throwing it against the wall in anger. Then, after a fit of banana-induced rage, my parole officer introduced me to this kitchen marvel and my life was changed. No longer consumed by seething anger and animosity towards thick-skinned yellow fruit, I was able to concentrate on my love of theatre and am writing a musical play about two lovers from rival gangs that just try to make it in the world. I think I'll call it South Side Story. Banana slicer...thanks to you, I see greatness on the horizon.

4. This review of the Creative Arts by Charles Leonard Wiggle Eyes, Peel'n Stick, Black, Assorted Sizes, 100/Bag (64530) is titled “Look your plants square in the eyes” By B-Rad on June 5, 2011 -- “I was always afraid of my house plants - what are they thinking? They could be waiting to stuff themselves down my throat, I would never know. Not any more! Now I can look into the eyes of my plants and know what their intentions be. Mr. Plantington seems to like them as well.

3. This review of The Mountain Three Wolf Moon Short Sleeve T-Shirt is titled “Dual Function Design” By Amazon Customer on November 10, 2008 -- This item has wolves on it which makes it intrinsically sweet and worth 5 stars by itself, but once I tried it on, that's when the magic happened. After checking to ensure that the shirt would properly cover my girth, I walked from my trailer to Wal-mart with the shirt on and was immediately approached by women. The women knew from the wolves on my shirt that I, like a wolf, am a mysterious loner who knows how to 'howl at the moon' from time to time (if you catch my drift!). The women that approached me wanted to know if I would be their boyfriend and/or give them money for something they called meth. I told them no, because they didn't have enough teeth, and frankly a man with a wolf-shirt shouldn't settle for the first thing that comes to him.  I arrived at Wal-mart, mounted my courtesy-scooter (walking is such a drag!) sitting side saddle so that my wolves would show. While I was browsing tube socks, I could hear aroused asthmatic breathing behind me. I turned around to see a slightly sweaty dream in sweatpants and flip-flops standing there. She told me she liked the wolves on my shirt, I told her I wanted to howl at her moon. She offered me a swig from her mountain dew, and I drove my scooter, with her shuffling along side out the door and into the rest of our lives. Thank you wolf shirt.    Pros: Fits my girthy frame, has wolves on it, attracts women    Cons: Only 3 wolves (could probably use a few more on the 'guns'), cannot see wolves when sitting with arms crossed, wolves would have been better if they glowed in the dark.

2.  This review of Ouija Board - Pink is titled “Eventful Slumber Party With Pink Ouija!!” By James H on February 7, 2010  --- I bought the pink ouija board for my daughter thinking that the color pink would only attract friendly spirits to her slumber party. Well, the results were mixed; the first spirit REALLY liked pink, and was friendly but apparently was a poltergeist, 'cause it started redecorating the den. Lilith Greenwand (the name my 13 year old insists being called now) did some kind of ritual and banished the spirit. She and her friends set to work again - they are so cute with their chants in the language they made up and their little black robes and hats!! The next spirit they summoned with the pink ouija board was less benign and several of the girls started projectile vomiting/speaking in tongues/bleeding from the eyes. Luckily, I had just taken my headphones off (listening to my old Norwegian Black Metal records again!) and heard the commotion - I immediately donned my "Three Wolf Moon" power t-shirt and ran into the basement. The sheer force of the shirt sent the spirit back where it came from, cured the girls, tuned the TV to the 700 Club and closed the evil pink portal.

1. And the number 1 review is from truckerstevejr who gave the best review of Diatomaceous Earth Food Grade for Human and Pet Use. Amazingly Effective Multipurpose Powder for Internal and External Organic Use or With Dusters (1lb) (Misc.) titled “Trucker Tough and Aproved”

“i realy like the way it feels and works on my body”

He was even kind enough to submit these pictures….

 

*Honorable Mention* This next one is actually an answer in response to a question from a potential customer of the Tide Pods and Powder Dash Button.  

The answer was submitted by Kurt G. on December 15, 2015 and with over 400 votes, was determined to be the best answer…

“Question: If I put this in my bedroom, will it still order the Tide detergent? Or does it have to be on the washing machine?      

Answer: If you put this in your bedroom it will order "Tide the Musical" on dvd or bluray, depending of course on which type of media player it is near. It has room-aware technology as well as spatial-visualisation abilities which allow it to analyse which objects it's nested by. So yes, it must be placed in the same room as the washing machine. Whatever you do; do not place it near a bath or pool when you press it

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MFP Episode 33 - The Internet is One Hell of a Drug by Mixed Feelings Podcast is licensed under a Creative Commons Attribution 4.0 International License.